John Baillie Jr: Let's go into it blind…
David Roy: What if we slag off someone we know, though?
Grinderman – Mickey Mouse and the Goodbye Man (Mute, 27 Jun)
John: He’s well ripping off Queens of the Stone Age.
The Skinny: Funnily enough, there’s a Josh Homme remix on the B-side.
David: Josh Homme was the first person to hear our new album…
John: …and we never heard from him again.
David: Is it pronounced ‘Grindermin’, like a guy’s second name? Like, ‘Alan Grindermin?’ This is rubbish. Seven for Alan Grindermin.
Mr Scruff – Wobble Control (Ninja Tune, 11 Jul)
David: It’s like an episode of Spaced.
John: It’s really dated. It sounds like me when I’m drunk, messing around – he’s actually recorded it.
David: I don’t mind it.
John: I’ll remember that when we’re recording our next album…
David: This is dance music for people who don’t like dance music, and since you do like dance music, you should score this one, John.
John: Two, and that’s generous.
David: I’d give it a ‘wub-wub’ out of ten.
Wild Beasts – Bed of Nails (Domino, 11 Jul)
David: Those drums remind me of Wild Beasts. It is Wild Beasts? These guys are absolute masters of their instruments. I’m not keen on the vocals though.
John: The vocals are my favourite part! He’s got a really good hold on what he can do, which I like, because I haven’t a clue what I’m doing.
David: But the drummer looks like the guy from the Bash Street Kids. That always ruins a band for me.
John: I’d score that high. Seven.
Verse Metrics – Modern Sleep/Oscillations (Self-released, 19 Jul)
John: This reminds me of Fickle Public, and I fucking loved Fickle Public.
David: This would suck if the drummer wasn’t pretty good, but he’s got a groove going there. These guys have clearly grown up listening to Joan of Arc.
John: It doesn’t dynamically take off…
David: This bit’s cool.
John: No, David, this is the shit bit. Six?
David: We’re being too nice, let’s tear someone apart…
Pusha T – My God (Decon Records, 25 Jul)
David: Now there’s a guitar sound you don’t hear every day…
John: What, a trumpet?!
The Skinny: This is Pusha T, better known as fifty per cent of Clipse.
John: He sounds like Kanye. I like southern rappers who sound really southern, like Yelawolf. He’s proper white trash and his whole rap is about, like, stealing couches and shit. He’s so southern you can barely understand what he’s saying.
David: This guy looks like he’s already rich.
John: He’s shit – what has he got to say? Away ye go: One.
Kid Canaveral – And Another Thing!! (Fence Records, 11 Jul)
David: I’m not going to slag off any Scottish bands. It’s very formulaic, but they don’t sound like they’re trying to be too cool. [chorus begins] Oh, that’s nice! I wonder if we know these guys…
John: Fuck them, it’s rubbish.
David: It’s not! That’s a nice chorus! Six, same as Verse Metrics.
John: No way, Verse Metrics was much better!
David: Fine, Five.
Maps of Columbus – Daisy (Too Pure, 11 Jul)
David: I don’t know how anyone could write that chord progression and not think, ‘hang on, I’ve heard that 14 times, yesterday.’ These guys better not be Scottish because this is truly awful; the sort of band you see supporting every band for a year…
John: …and they’re fucking shit.
David: Nobody wants to sound like the bands they grew up listening to anymore. They want to sound like bands that are cool. [Shakes fist] Grrrrrr! I bet they’re really nice guys as well…
John: They’re getting a one.
David: This magazine only comes out in Scotland, right?
Metronomy – The Bay (Because Music, 4 Jul)
David, immediately: Metronomy! See, they’re a great band. You can hear who they’ve been listening to, but they put their own spin on it.
John: It’s like Fleetwood Mac processed by some kind of devil machine.
David: I wouldn’t want to score this above Wild Beasts though.
John: Seven, then.
David: Yeah, it’s not something I’d listen to but I appreciate it. Man, we’re starting to sound like complete fandans…
John: Aye, we’ll slag the next one...
Cee Lo Green – I Want You (Hold On to Love) (Warner, 4 Jul)
John: …No we won’t, this is amazing! Immediately I can get with this. [vocals begin]. Ah, Cee Lo. This guy can sing, by the way, it’s ridiculous.
David: He’s the ‘Forget You’ guy right? Points off for that.
John: Points off?! That’s a great song!
David: It was, until he changed it. It’s like an overdub of an ITV showing of Beverley Hills Cop. I don’t want my music edited by ITV.
John: Did you see that video today of Amy Winehouse in Serbia? I love her. She’s got the most effortlessly amazing voice.
David: And she’s got that tragic side that’s always appealing. Cee Lo needs to get himself some heroin!
John: As he is, I’d give him a six.
David: Yeah, six. An enjoyable song. If it came on the radio, my mum would…
John: …give you a wee kiss?
David: …hoover like there’s no tomorrow!
Amon Tobin – Surge (Ninja Tune, 11 Jul)
David: I’m sensing emotional rain. If this isn’t hip-hop I’ll be disappointed.
John: It’s only got a minute left – this might actually be all it does. This is a single?
David: It’s a BMW advert.
John: Ah, Amon Tobin – I’m kind of surprised. For me, this kind of thing is done better by total freaks. I’m going to give it a three.
David: Yeah, it had some interesting noises.
John: We give it a three, and you think it had some interesting noises? ‘Aye, three, it was alright, eh?’
Glasvegas – Shine like Stars (Columbia, 18 Jul)
David, eyes to the CD player: I remember when you were in a fifties doo-wop band called Glasvegas, ya trumpet.
John: Trumped-up, self-important rubbish. He’s not yodelling enough; I like it when he yodels.
David: It sounds like a bad, Scottish Babylon Zoo. Or, what’s that band, ‘Baby, I’m Ready to Go’? Republica!
John: They recorded this album the same time as we did ours, just up the road in Santa Monica.
David: But we recorded ours in someone’s house, while they were in their studio going ‘Yeah man, make it sound like Republica’. Zero.
John: Ten!
David: No John, we’re making a stand, that’s a zero.
SINGLE OF THE MONTH!
Linkin Park – Iridescent (Warner Bros. Records, 4 Jul)
David: I know who this is. Let’s just say there are a lot of baggy-jeaned morons crying into their ciders. C to F to Am to G: the most emotional of all the chord sequences.
John: This is gonna kick in right?
The Skinny: Something kicks in…
John: Please tell me it’s the rapper!
David: I think only whininess kicks in. I’m getting really angry thinking of blubbering girls weeping as they listen to this. Wait, here we go… [Choir 'kicks in'] Now it’s an anthem.
John: It’s like a baseball game.
David: I’m welling up here. This is the best song I’ve ever heard!
John: By the way, I really like this. This is pumping, it’s getting a Ten.
David: Single of the month!
John: Single of the year!
David: It’s repulsive but it reminds me of a simpler time… It might be the best song I’ve ever heard.
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